The tour that very nearly didn't happen. Complications with the van ment one day before we where ment to be setting off, we had no transport.
Our final rehearsal before the off turned into a frantic phone call session, ringing everyone we know and quite a few people we didn't simply asking, Can we borrow your van for a week. A bit of stress and a few mobile phone batteries later, and a VERY kind friend of Martin's said yes. And what a van it was. 7 seats and LOADS of room. Sorrrrrted! We decided to take the full back-line, and several cases of cider, mostly just cos we could.

December 13th, and we're all ready to go. Full band, in effect. Plus our wonderful crew in the form of Kim-ikaze (tour manager/sound consultant/drivers mate/spread sheet compiler and sane keeper) and Rob (roady/cabin boy/stowaway/keeper of the merch/party boy) who only knew he was coming 10 minutes before we set off, and hadn't been home or showed for a week before we set off.

We set off way behind schedule, waving goodbye to our rapturous leaving party. We're all still amazed by the aceness of the van, and the fact that we're all in it, rocking the road again, but this time with room to move your legs. As soon as we hit the motor way, with THE BIG basting from the stereo (Despite the 3 , yes 3, full iPods we have between us, K*S only seem listen to about 5 albums on repeat on tour, THE BIG, THE KING BLUES, and the DANGERFIELDS, as well as DJ Sams Cheese playlists, involving such classics as FREEZE POP, AC/DC, THE CRANBERRIES and various bad pop songs, on repeat... its tradition) We realize that, even tho we where warned, the van NEEDS AIR IN THE TIRES, that the van needed air in the tires. It drives like a boat, and we bounce and slide our way down to Knutsford services for air and our first Ginsters pasty liberation mission of the trip. Food Liberation from big corporations is good.

Sam Flips a copper the fingers under his coat and finds it totally hilarious. We have no idea what pressure the tires are ment to be at, so we creep around the car part looking very shifty, trying to read what it says on the wheels of other transit vans of similar size. We set off again, happily eating liberated ice cream with a full tank of diesel. The van now drives like a dream.

Sam is full of un-interesting and made up facts about subjects he knows nothing about. They have been affectionately dubbed "SAM FACTS" and they are either hilarious, or REALLY annoying, depending on the mood in the van, here are a few of, perhaps not the best, but the ones we remembered;

Sam fact Number 272874: If you were to send an image from a web-cam attached to your shoulder to the internet via a cell phone every 30 seconds it would cost like a thousand pounds a day.

Sam fact Number 272875: Service stations dont make their prices so high because they have a captive audience, its because they are charged shit loads to have a service station there.

Sam fact Number 272876: All german people have them big white fluffy dogs – sam has seen them in their cars with the Gs On the reg plate.

Eventually we arrive at the venue. RIFFS BAR. Which appears to be the only building for miles around and we wonder how anyone could possibly get to it. Its a lovely little venue, with a county pub feel about it, but a decent size stage. According too the posters on the walls, it has won the Carling award for the best live music pub for two years running. We make our self know by troding over a load of christmas lights the barman way trying to put up, and setting up a CD manufacturing production line/merch desk at the back of the room. We set up and sound check. and have a few drinks in the van. A few bands play, most notably of which, TWO SICK MONKEYS, which are a two piece punk bands with the most incredible bass sound you could imagine. They play a hysterical cover of GREEN DAYS 'American idiot' just to prove that you dont actually need Guitars in a band (a point Martin has been trying to prove for years) MAY CONTAIN NUTS play a song about a game called 'LEGS' which we played the very next day in the van, it involves putting your legs on top of each others legs, but we never quite got all the rules. They play some very funny songs about 'Our mate Ozzy B' (aka Osama Binladen) and FIVE THINGS THAT WONT GIVE YOU CANCER (the only one of which we could decypher was COMBS) SECOND IN LINE played, and introduced them self's as the band we were playing with the next night in andover. We had some friends already. Our set ran as smoothly as you might expect, with the bass drum skin breaking about three songs in. Martin proceeded to pick it up an throw it off the stage, much to the amusement/confusion of everyone in attendance and played the rest of the set with out it. The smoke machine we brought with us (cos we had the room) went a bit mad, and ment we couldn't actually see each other for most of the set. Genius. Everyone seemed to enjoy the performance/chaos and jake got him self yet another female admirer, who, incidentally, didn't realize his tender age because of his hardcore rock n roll attitude, and facial hair.

Many drinks later and we head off the a house with the singer/bass monster from TWO SICK MONKEYS. We are fed like kings by a sleeping chef upstairs, who we didn't actually get to meet or thank, except in the form of a note we left. We were asked to be quite so as not to wake her, as she had work early in the morning, But after a few crates of cider, we kind of forgot to whisper, and drunk ourselves to sleep in a big pile on the living room floor, Snoring loudly and in unison. Sam insisted on sleeping it the van naked, and was awoken in the morning to gangs of school kids walking by... Thank fuck for tinted windows. We got up early, fought the hangovers and looked up TOURIST ATTRACTIONS on the sat-nav, who we call Jane, and are all very attached to. And what do you know!? STONE HENGE!!!

We set off all excited about being hippy tourists and getting in-touch with nature and our ancestry, only to find that it costs SIX QUID EACH to get through the fence!! how can some one own STONE HENGE? an charge you that much to see it? Beanie and Rob where having not of this, and proceeded to throw themselves over a large gate, with beanie impaling her leg on the spikes. They limped with glee towards the giant stones, only to be stopped 2 seconds later by a very friendly, but stern security guard. After she made sure Beanies leg was okay, and informed them that the site was owned by national heritage, they where escorted back to the other side of the fence.

After Kim consulted the accounts, it was decided that we didn't have enough diesel to get to the next tourist attraction on Janes list, and instead, headed off to the next venue. We stopped off at the most high security supermarket we have ever taken on, and spent the rest of the day getting pissed on free alcohol and eating free humous and bread in the van on the car park, singing at the top of our lungs to METALICA's first album, as well as THE BIG and THE DANGERFIELDS, naturally. Maz was well Pissed on WKD by 5pm, and made some useless notes for the tour diary on the laptop. The van had become a very high-tech office/illegal drinking den. We where all in high spirits, even more so when we remembered we had a gig to play. And off we went Andover, to meet up with the lovely UK SUBS and Second in line.

THE GEORGE in andover was the venue for that nights proceedings. Much fun was had at the Merch Desk, Drinking the free bar dry and chatting with the UK SUBS. Food was provided, but sadly it was meat chili, so most of us ended up just eating rice and space raider crisps, but that was much better than we usually got and venues, so everyone was happy. We set up, using our own back-line, and sound-checked. The engineer was very nice, and the stage sound was spot on. We all felt comfortable and ready to rock the fuck out of the place. The venue filled up with punks, and we hit the free bar again. We made friends with the very scurry looking security guard and the owner of the club, who was LOVELY. Second in line played first wearing K*S shirts, and did a wonderful rocked up cover of the ONLY FOOLS AND HORSES theme. THE EXTINGUISHERS where a political ska-core band, and played a cool set, Despite, and much to our amusement, the guitarist being very confused by his distortion pedal, and kicking it about on the floor.

Next up, THE MIGHTY K*S, we where all on top form that night, and played a really tight set. The sound was spot on and loud as fuck, and loads of people where up dancing. We had a great time on stage. We loaded our gear strait out the fire door at the side of the stage and hung out outside with the drunks, still drinking our free beer. A couple of cops walked by and asked us who all the empty beer bottles on the floor belonged too. We all shrugged and they proceeded to pick them up and walk off with them, mumbling something about "the trouble they've had round here with bottlings" It was so funny watching uniformed coppers walking away up the street carrying a beer bottle in each hand, we where gutted we didn't get a picture. We got loads of good feed back, and swapped email addresses with people that said they where promoters, we even sold some Merch! We packed up and went back in to watch the legendary UK SUBS rock out.

The UK SUBS are awesome, and are such nice people. The drummer is mesmerizing to watch, he makes some crazy fills look effortless. We all agreed that the chants of THERES ONLY ONE CHARLIE HARPER are SO true (until Kim Decided to name the giant stuffed dog she got from the supermarket Charlie Harper) And the crazy dancing and singing along by all the punks was amazing, if not a bit scary.

After a bit of confusion as to where we where gonna sleep that night, we made a phone call to our good friend Pippa, who we met on tour with THE DANGERFIELDS and again on tour with NUMBSKULL. She is awesome, and one of the most rock n roll people we have ever met. And so we set of on a two hour drive to London to crash on the floor in her front room.

Our fun was stopped briefly when we where stopped by our friends the police for driving TOO SLOW. They give it everything they could, and breathalysed Martin, which HE PASSED! They checked everything, license, insurance, tax, seat belts, tires, they asked us if we had any 'illicit substances' in the van, to which they received a monotone drone of NOOOOOOOO, from everyone in the van, and Sam, ever the comedian, told them we couldn't afford any tonight. When they saw the piles of equipment and bags in the back, they decided not to search it. There’s nothing more satisfying than driving away knowing they really did try but don’t have a thing they can get us on. They where friendly enough, and we drove off happy, Waving, with Sam Sticking his fingers up at them... under his coat.

When we arrived in the early hours of the morning, Pippa was asleep (not very rock n roll). She let us in and went back to bed, leaving us to check our myspaces with her wireless internet and drink ourselves stupid on boxed cider from pans (another K*S tradition). Apparently there where six other people in the house, so she had asked us to be quiet, and again, we started off whispering, dunk until we made a lot more noise than we should, and passed out in a pile on the floor. Sam slept in the van again and Pippa had left for work before we woke up. There were builders in that morning changing the bay windows in the room we where in, We just slept through it.

Sam didnt get any picture comments, So out came the pans...

So, again we have a day to waste being tourists. But this time where where in LONDON! yey! We set off to see the sights. We had plans of going sitting on them big bronze lions for a photo opportunity, and trying to see the queen, But we soon realized that parking in london wasn't ideal, and only made it as far as the CUTTY SARK, a big boat that Sam was full of facts about, and that jane kindly told us was worth a visit, but which we fairly quickly learned wasn't. We drunk some more and stopped for a badly lit photo shoot in a very long subway tunnel that went under the river. Much to the confusion of the lift attendant who kept asking us what we where doing. We got a quick photo of Martin getting very friendly with a bronze statue of Admiral Nelson and realized we where late for the next gig, and rushed off to the van, hoping it was still there, when we where distracted by some fine art. Walking past a big hall, at what we figured was a music collage, judging by all the student types carrying large instrument cases, Beanie spotted through the windows that all the walls and ceilings where painted in great detail, like the Cisteen Chaple, and a very kind passer-by-lady told us that you could go in for free, and that we MUST see it. We went in, and spent an hour staring at the ceiling and chatting to the guard, feeling very cultured, It really was beautiful, and we learned that it took the artist 19 years to complete, but forgot his name. We realized again how late we where and dragged ourselves away.

Off to DORKING. it doesn't sound like the most rock n roll of places, but it turns out that it was. We where playing with Pippa's new band, THE BLANKHEADS, which we where all excited to see. We had a minor panic when Jane's batteries started to run out 20-minutes from the venue, and she refused to charge, not of us had the good sense to bring a map as a back up, but we soon figured that we had blown the fuse in the somewhat over used cigarette lighter, so made some crafty adjustments under the dash bored and fixed it. But only after stopping at TWO Esso garages, only to find out that they only sell household fuses, and not auto fuses?? The venue turned out to be a very big hotel called the LINCOLN, and us and THE BLANKHEADS got a free hotel rooms, as well as diesel money and food. Thats our kind of gig! The show was run by some young and very nice promoters, and i believe it was a charity gig. It was very strange, we didn't really see a member of staff all-night, or any 'real' guests, The place was packed with young punks, and we had free run of the place. The hotel was very nice, We sound checked, and made our self's comfortable in our room and even SHOWERED! Maz proceeded to Drink the bar dry of Sambooker, lining up shots on the table and not sharing any. Beanie asked Martin if she could Have a bit of his Jim Beam Whiskey from the van, and much to his amusement, filled a pint glass with it. We all got incredibly drunk. We went on first, and played a great, if not somewhat angry, set. We played our cover of ROCK-CLUB by THE DANGERFIELDS, and judging by the fact everyone was singing along, figured that they had, yet again beaten us to this venue. Going on early ment we had the whole rest of the night with no reason not to drink, which we all did. An all girl band called AXE GIRL played next, and everyone fell in love with the lead singer, who was appropriately, named AXE. We traded T-Shirts and CDs and email addresses with them. Pippa's Band rocked like bastards, as expected, and partly from not being able to stand up, from all the cider, cheap sherry, Jim Beam and sambooker, and partly cos we where having such a good time and the band was great, we thrashed about in the crowd, dancing like maniacs. We kept giving Pippa whiskey from the bottle and cigarettes during her set, and a great time was had by all.

We moved the party upstairs to our rooms, and we drunk into the night. Pippa and Sam somehow escaped out of the window of the hotel, onto the roof, explaining to the owner of the hotel that they 'fell'. He was very nice about it, and we eventually passed out in a pile on the floor. Beanie was nominated to sleep in the Van and look after the gear, But she soon decided it was too cold, and threw the contense of her pockets at the window until Martin somehow woke up and staggered down stairs to let her in. Rob had a minor tantrum when he realized he had no bed, and instead of getting sympathy was rather rudely informed that he was only a stowaway, and so didn't get a bed, by a rather sleepy band member that shall remain nameless. He stormed off to the van after shouting some obscenities and slamming some doors and took Beanies place in the van as equipment guard. We awoke the next day WAY past the time we where ment to have checked out, to find that THE BLANKHEADS and the hangers on had left. Both Maz and Beanie spent all morning throwing up in the toilet, as well as the sink and the shower. We made an effort to tidy the hotel rooms and put the furniture back where we found it, and went down stars, into the real world, for a breakfast of coco-pops, toast and coffee in the hotel bar. We made a quick visit to Dorking Train Station across the road for some pictures of us with trains, mostly because we all constantly have I LOVE TRAINS by THE BIG stuck in our heads. We left for Ipswich, somewhat confused as to why we hadn't been thrown out of the hotel the night before. We where all grateful we didn't, and vowed to recommend the venue to every other band we know.

We stopped for Diesel and red-bull at a service station, and where told to MOVE ALONG buy some guy after he asked us what we where doing and was informed that we where just 'Chilling Out'. We moved to a real parking space and non other than THE HARIBO MAN parked up next to us in a massive pickup truck. We asked him for some sweets, and he told us we could have some, but we'd have to wait because he was "Bursting for a Piss". We waited, and sure enough, he came back and give us loads of bags of Gelatin flavor sweets. Nice chap.

The railway in Ipswich is one of our favorite, if not THE STRANGEST venues and towns we know. We have made some REALLY cool friends in Ipswich, the last few times we've played down there, and they have always shown us amazing hospitality, and shown us a good time. We where a bit freaked out when we arrived and asked the landlady how she was and she responded by telling us she would be better... if she was dead. We set up, and Kim sound checked us, after some minor disagreements with said landlady about the use of the mixing desk as well as the volume of the band with regards to the mic-ing up of the drums. We sat down and hit the beer again. As you might have figured out, K*S like a drink. Our mate Owen from Ipswich came down, and after buying two copies of everything we had for sale on the merch desk, proceeded to buy us all beer, all-night. What a guy. We got a bit drunk and watched the other bands, Dancing to the band that played before us named DANGERS CLOSE. They are a cool rock band, and the front woman had an amazing voice. We helped them out with their sound, yet again ignoring the railway's policy about sound pressure levels.

We where up next, and played a really enjoyable set and loads of people danced. It was smiles all around. The Carpet martin had brought to put the Drums on was useless, and the entire drum kit slid to the front of the stage during the set. We then took over the PA, and DJd using the iPod, and got on with the more important job of having a drink. We met a budding tattoo artist, and she drew KSUK 1955 on all our knuckles, it there had been a tattoo machine there that night, Im almost sure we would have all gotten it tattooed. We danced around like idiots and got talking to the girl from DANGERS CLOSE, who told us we could come back to a party with her, and who Kim fell in love with.

We left for the party, after drunkenly packing up and loading the van with our gear, as well as FAR too many people. We got to the party, which turned out to be a flat above a shop PACKED full of people in various states of wreckedness. We joined in with gusto, and partied well into the morning. We where again, a little freaked out when we found out that one of the guests was C.I.D, and as well as ignoring the 'illicit substances' that where being passed around, proceeded to ring one of his mates in the morning after he failed to get a taxi, who came and picked him up in a police car!? Poor Beanie got her self into a bit of a state, and half woke up on the couch while the party was in full swing, and attempted to piss on the front room carpet, before being mistakenly dragged into, what was assumed to be the bathroom, but turned out to be the kitchen, packed full of people and attempted to take her pants off again. About half an hour after she eventually found the bathroom and had a little nap, she rejoined the party and managed to beat everyone that would play her at chess. Kim and Martin tried to get some sleep in the van, in an effort to prepare themselves for the long drive to the next venue, but quickly discoved that it was impossible for two people to sleep in the van, and joined Maz and Jake, who where asleep at another house further down the street. We woke some time later feeling like crap, With a 7 hour drive ahead of us to the next gig. We walked back to the party, and picked up the van and the rest of the crew, who still hadn't had any sleep, said our goodbyes to Ipswich and hit the road.

The next gig was Wigan, and we wernt sure what to expect. The UK SUBS where ment to be playing, but the promoter had told them the gig had been canceled, but told us that it hadnt. The SUBS still thought they where still on the bill when we spoke to them in Andover. We got an email that morning in Ipswich saying the gig was still gig was still on, but it had changed venue, and it was now and alldayer, without the UK SUBS, and we where headlining it, but we needed to be there at 2pm so some of the other bands could use our Bass Rig. This was pretty impossible, but we got to the venue as fast as we could. Everyone but Kim and Martin Slept most of the way up north, only stopping a couple of times on the way for Diesel, Red Bull and to let poor Beanie throw up. We got to Wigan feeling like crap and almost ready for bed. We watched a couple of bands, set up and played a slightly sleepy set. The sound was aughful, but we survived without too many people realizing we foolishly hadnt slept or that the stage monitors where feeding back the whole time we played. A ska band went on after us, and the lead singer ran off stage and out of the venue a few songs in. The band struggled on without him for a few songs more, shouting his name over the PA between songs, until they eventually made their apologies and give up. It turned out he had come up on the drugs the drummer had given him during the set, and had freaked out and ran away. It was pretty funny. The bar-manager told us that some beer had been stolen from the back bar, where the bands had been storing their equipment. The room wasn't watched, and people where in and out of there all night, most of whom wernt in bands. He was very angry, and i dont think he believe that it wasn't us. We apologized, and tried to reassure him, but he wasnt in the mood, so we skulked off after the last band.

Jake got a lift home and the rest of us drove back to Kims house in Bolton for our post mini-tour party/debriefing. We did the accounts and realized that we where UP on money. A few friends came over and we had many drinks to celebrate. Rob went insane and passed out on the couch. We drew on his face with marker pen and turned him into a Panda, a Nazi Panda. He later tried to get up to go to the bathroom, but just kept falling over the coffee table, knocking drinks everywhere, and eventually went back to sleep, semi stood up, with his face on the couch, and his feet on the floor. We all passed out, and slept through the next day. We woke up gutted that we had no gig to go to, and not knowing what to do with ourselves.

This is the Diary of a 5 date mini-tour. We did almost 3 months of the same this summer. In a Ford Escort. We live for touring, and wish we could tour forever. We'll see you on the road, baby.

Kamikaze Sperm x